Our Naked Souls Read online

  We were like seeds

  Which sat in the sun

  Expecting to grow

  But withering away,

  Forgetting the value

  Of soil and rain.

  If I Should Lose You

  If I should lose you,

  I want you to know

  That I will never truly

  Get over you.

  You gave me everything I could want

  And I tried to do the same,

  Though that wasn’t much.

  If I should lose you,

  Know that I only want you

  To be happy,

  That I only wish you the best.

  And if that means

  You must love someone else,

  Then so be it,

  Because I love you

  More than I love myself.

  And if I have to suffer every day

  Watching you love a better man,

  Then I will put on a smiling mask

  And be happy for you.

  If I should lose you,

  Know that I lost everything.

  Liars

  I have seen what people will do

  Just to keep loneliness at bay.

  They will fake whole relationships

  And lie about their intentions

  Just because they cannot stand

  To be alone with themselves.

  Maze

  I am afraid

  That I am wasting

  My one chance

  To be truly honest

  With myself.

  Am I chasing after whispers?

  You tell me they will slip through my hands

  Like some vacant apparition;

  Perhaps you are right,

  And my belief that I

  Might someday catch them

  Is only self-indulgence. . . .

  Maybe I’m throwing away

  The best thing in my life

  For reasons that don’t make sense.

  You make it so easy to doubt myself:

  Because it was never all bad,

  I don’t feel like I’m allowed to leave,

  That I’m being selfish,

  That I owe you something.

  I’m afraid I’ve gotten lost

  In a maze of my own making.

  Blacksmith

  I pour my heart out on these pages.

  Ruthlessly I melt it down

  Like molten gold

  And pound it into shape

  With my pen.

  Why do I do this to myself?

  What do I have to gain

  By causing myself

  To relive the same pain?

  Remorse

  I didn’t think

  The small moments

  Would be so difficult—

  Seeing something funny

  And wanting to share it with you

  As I always do

  But then remembering

  Our unbroken silence.

  Waves of remorse overtake me.

  Train in the Night

  I lie awake in my bed,

  Listening to the sound

  Of the train passing by

  In the night.

  It reminds me

  Of our careless adventures,

  Untethered to earthly demands,

  Free of constraints.

  It’s all I can do to stop myself

  From packing my bags

  And leaving this place

  As quickly as I can.

  Too many memories here,

  Too many forlorn ghosts

  Reminding me of a happiness

  That has long since passed.

  Derelict Castles

  We built a castle together

  On a hill near the sea.

  I hate to see it derelict

  With no one to tend the grounds.

  I thought it would be better

  If we ended things peacefully,

  But now I think it might be worse

  To see what we built still standing,

  Just abandoned, but not broken down.

  Perhaps it would be better off as ashes.

  Horcruxes

  These photos—

  So many horcruxes

  Containing the soul

  Of us,

  Our unforgivable sin,

  The murder we committed

  Together.

  We are each haunted

  By the specter of the deed,

  Or at least I am.

  And if I must bear this pain

  I hope you feel it, too.

  Leaving

  The hardest lesson of heartbreak

  Is that you can still love someone

  While knowing you shouldn’t be with them.

  That makes it all the harder to let go,

  All the harder to be the one who leaves,

  All the harder to abandon ship.

  Captive

  I find myself wanting

  To cleanse my mind

  Of your memory.

  If I could just forget

  The magic of your touch

  And the rush that accompanied

  Your every word,

  Perhaps then I could be free.

  I am a prisoner

  Of your memory,

  A captive

  Of possibility,

  But every day I inch closer

  To leaving you in the past.

  You may break my heart

  But you cannot lock my soul away.

  Erosion

  All of our small memories

  Will be forgotten

  As time erodes their edges

  As surely as the sea

  Erodes the shore,

  Until all that is left of us

  Is a vague remembrance

  Of what used to be everything.

  Echoes

  I stumble upon

  An old photograph of us

  That transports me

  To the place we used to be.

  I hear the echoes

  Of our joyous laughter;

  Our journey passes me by

  Like a rock skipped onto a wave.

  The memory ejects me

  And I return to the present,

  Reminded of how

  Life turned joy into misery.

  Changed Locks

  You never deserved what I gave you.

  You saw my love as an opportunity.

  You came and went as you pleased.

  I hate to say it, but you used me.

  Next time you come around

  You will find that the locks have changed

  And your key no longer works.

  You will find that I’ve changed my number

  And your voicemails will remain unanswered.

  Though I doubt you’d bother sending any,

  Still, I will never check

  This is the closure I deserve.

  Someone

  You didn’t care

  Who you were kissing—

  You just wanted to be kissed.

  You didn’t care

  Who you were loving—

  You just wanted to be loved.

  You didn’t care,

  You just wanted someone;

  You didn’t care if it was me.

  Bittersweet Mistake

  Driving around these empty streets

  In the middle of the night,

&
nbsp; Wondering if this was all

  Some bittersweet mistake.

  The problem with love

  Is that it’s not so easy to tell

  Where the good ends and the bad begins.

  They don’t separate like oil and water;

  The difference isn’t clear—

  Everything is muddled.

  I don’t know if it’s worth it

  To keep fighting

  For what we have.

  I don’t know

  Where these streets

  Will take me.

  Your Favorite Place

  The vines cascade down

  Over the whitewashed brick.

  The avant-garde décor

  Clashes with the patrons:

  The place you always loved.

  Now I’m here alone

  And I can finally say

  How much I hate it.

  How a toddler

  Could make better coffee,

  How a craft aisle

  Has more class,

  How . . .

  How much I miss you,

  If I’m being honest.

  Out in the Rain

  I hope you find someone

  Who gives you the feeling

  Of completeness

  You were always looking for.

  I hope you find someone

  Who would rather

  Stay inside when it rains

  Than go out into it.

  I hope you find someone

  Who gives you everything

  You ever wanted

  That I couldn’t.

  Expendable

  It is such a painful realization

  To see that you

  Never loved me

  For who I was.

  You only loved me

  For the place I could hold

  In your life

  Whenever you found it convenient.

  To you I was expendable,

  Just another listening ear

  And comforting voice.

  Tell me, did it ever dawn on you

  That our conversations

  Would be no different

  If I were anyone else?

  I wish you cared about me

  And not just

  What I did for you.

  Soften the Blow

  I spent far too long

  Wondering how to do it

  Without making it my fault.

  I think I would’ve hurt you less

  If I had just told you I was unhappy

  Instead of trying to soften the blow.

  Prisoner

  It took me far too long

  To realize

  That by indulging in the pain

  Every time I thought about you,

  I built these altars,

  These shrines of rose-colored memories,

  To worship the thought of you.

  Perhaps I took comfort in the familiarity

  And became a willing prisoner

  Of my self-inflicted misery.

  It took me far too long

  To realize

  I should’ve celebrated,

  Rather than mourned,

  The death of us.

  A Place I Cannot Go

  There’s another universe

  Somewhere out there

  Where we

  Are still together.

  It breaks my heart

  That it exists

  Yet I can never go there.

  If only I could jump in a spaceship

  And fly through the multiverse

  To find that happy place.

  If only it were that simple;

  If only I could run away

  To that place

  I cannot go.

  Harmony

  I miss sharing the moments with you.

  I miss the feeling

  Of experiencing life

  With someone else.

  Watching you enjoy a sunset

  Was like poetry,

  Music became spiritual,

  And food became art.

  Without you

  The sun still sets,

  Food still nourishes,

  And there is still music—

  But it is dissonant.

  You were the harmony,

  The synthesis of melodies

  Into something greater.

  Without you

  The music feels

  Dull.

  Cut Away

  I let you cut away

  At my identity

  Piece by piece

  Until I could hardly

  Recognize myself.

  By giving up

  Parts of myself

  To make you happy,

  I made myself miserable.

  That is a mistake

  I will never make

  Again.

  Moving Away

  Sometimes I think

  Of packing up my bags

  And moving

  To Los Angeles

  Like every other artist

  Trying to find

  Some sense of belonging.

  Sometimes I think

  Of flying off to New York,

  As if the city lights

  Could somehow

  Hold back the darkness.

  Sometimes I think

  Of getting a van

  And driving down

  The coast,

  Hoping that experiences

  Could chip away

  At my uncertainty.

  But I know none of that would work:

  Changing the scenery

  Does not change the soul.

  A Ship Without an Anchor

  You can’t let love

  Define your life.

  If you need another person

  To validate you

  For who you are,

  You become a ship

  Without an anchor

  That can float from

  Harbor to harbor

  But can never moor

  On solid ground.

  Tides

  I can’t keep letting myself

  Fall back in love with you

  Over and over again;

  I can’t tie my heart

  To the ups and downs

  Of your waves.

  You make me happier

  Than anyone ever has.

  You bring me to the crests

  Of mountainous ocean waves,

  Tasting Elysium in the wind.

  But when you are done

  Playing with me,

  I fall down, plunging.

  I keep forgetting how much

  It hurts to fall

  From such a great height.

  I have been wounded

  Too many times before.

  It’s time I learned my lesson—

  I cannot afford to tie my heart

  To the ups and downs of someone

  Who doesn’t care enough to be careful.

  Broad Strokes

  The curse of time is that we

  Are no longer entranced

  By the magic of moments;

  As dry history replaces vivid art

  And details we didn’t notice

  Replace the broad strokes

  We first fell in love with.

  Half-Hearted

  I’ll always treasure the moments we had

  But in truth I don’t know<
br />
  If I will ever love again,

  At least not with my whole heart,

  Because part of it

  Will always be yours.

  Sober Love

  When was the last time we just . . . hung out? Spent time together? Sober. Clean. It’s been so long, I don’t even remember. . . . What if we’ve forgotten how to love the real versions of each other? What if our brains are so fucked up, they’ll love anything? I just want to know. Give me a night with you, the real you. Let me touch you and kiss you and love you—I just want to feel again. I want to be together in that wretched sobriety, that dullness, and remember the way it was when we first fell in love.

  Utopia

  We are consumed

  With being in love.

  We hold up romance

  As some kind of utopia—

  If only we could make it there,

  All our problems

  All our sorrows

  All our pain

  All our suffering

  Would be dispelled by the power

  Of love

  As if by magic.

  But that’s not how life works.

  There is no utopia,

  No magical solution.

  Love cannot fix us

  No matter how much we wish

  It could.

  Dystopia

  Broken glasses, cloudy vision,

  Dust and haze hangs in the air,

  Half-decimated skyscrapers on either side

  Of this bleak, deserted highway.

  This is a trip down memory lane,

  As I must return here now and again

  And look upon the desolate ruins

  Of the world we built together.

  I am only a tourist here these days

  And I see it with calmer eyes now,

  No longer shocked by the destruction

  The way I used to be.

  Time has calmed my spirit

  And made still the rivers of grief.

  Soon, I am sure, this once-grand city

  Will be a forgotten speck on an ancient map.

  Milestones

  The first time I saw her

  I felt it in my face

  As I smiled.

  The first time we kissed

  I felt it in my spine

  As if it were lightning.

  When I first told her I loved her,

  I felt it in my chest

  As nervousness took away my breath.

  The first time we fought

  I felt it in my stomach

  As regret made me nauseous.

  When it ended,

  I felt nothing

  At first,

  Before I felt

  It all